THIS IS FOR ME


This post has been a long way, deleted, rewritten, deleted again and then rewritten again. It has been incredibly hard for me to process, put into words all the things and feelings I have struggled / gone through over the past few months. I feel I've been on a downward spiral for a long time, I've lost confidence / feelings and most importantly myself.. but I'm finally feeling like I want to fight again.

You only have one life and you need to live it fully and not let things that happen define or change you. 

I'm not going into detail but I feel I needed to write something down to help myself as sometimes seeing it in front of you makes things clearer. I've let anxieties since then, take over and effect every aspect of my life, from my social life to my online presence and I've hated the person I've become, scared and never feeling 100% excited about anything, while trying to hide it from everyone and getting on as if nothing has happened. I know at the best of the times I haven't done so well at this but I'm learning to process my feelings. Things like exercise have really been helping and it's helping me to relax and just shut my mind off. I've also done some silly things like change my hair thinking it would help and now looking back on it, it's just made me become less of the person I was and who I want to be again.

I have some great friends, I've relied on them heavily and I will never be able to repay them for their kindness and understanding even if I exploded or disappeared for a while. Even when I didn't understand my own thoughts, felt questioned and questioned myself. They've been here and they are my own superheroes. "Not all superheroes wear capes."

I'm still working on myself and sometimes I feel like I've failed miserably, but I want to make 2018 one hell of a year. Life is not something we just need to get through.. we need to live the best we can and I want to look forward to every single day and be full of happiness. I'm trying to become sure of myself again and trying to be stronger. I want to be the me before I went to Australia, while I was in Australia and when I was back over summer. I know I can be that person again. I hope I can be that person again.

I know this isn't the clearest post but in a way I haven't written this for anyone but myself, so I really hope you understand and respect that.

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